does any one even read this stuff i post just wondering?

ive dug my self a hole and i feel safe in this hole i dont want to leave it but if i dont then i will be here for the rest of my life .. how ever long that may be and i do hope it is not a long life because i hate my self and my life i am in this hole to hide from my past a past that has hurt me to the point of no repair i want to find the way out before it is too late i want to find a new life and to do so i need to leave montreal i need to get out as soon as i can other wise i may cause more harm to my health i need a fresh start i need to leave this place of bad and good memories behind me and move forward to a new day i feel as tho this is a never endding night that i cant only find small distractions but i want to move on and distractions can only help me so much i want more then what my life is right now. i want to end the pain and suffering i have been in the hands of death already but was given a second chance at life then all this had happened and i want to return to thouse cold hands of death i want to feel again i feel as tho i am already dead inside. i need a new life. i need a fresh start. i want to live. i want more then what i am right now. i need a way out of this hole i have dug myself if not then this hole will become what i feel it is already. this hole is my grave. i am not ready to be layed to rest.. not yet. i need a way out. i have to find a way out of this grave. my home town is nothing more then painful memories. i hurt every day but i have become so numb that i barely show this pain. i need a new life.

this is what i feel as my life and thouse of you who may think this to be some form of suicide note. no it is not why because i feel it would be pointless to kill myself when i feel dead already. i am not saying i have not thought about it i have i have even planed out multipule ways of doing it but the thing is i dont want to die i have been dead once before i do not remember any thing from it so i cant say i want to go there to the life of the dead. but i want to see what more this world has to offer me.

if any one want to talk to me in regards to this post feel free to message me.